


I Hate Me...

by Violent_Bulldog



Series: Early Hours Angst [6]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Burns, Chloe Valentine Has Feelings, Chloe Valentine isn't okay, Depression, F/F, F/M, Good Chloe Valentine, Insecurity, M/M, Michael Mell & Chloe Valentine Friendship, Minor Character Death(s), Minor Injuries, Nice Rich Goranski, Other, Overdosing, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, This was wrote at 4am, but i didn't want to italic it on my phone, chatfic, he's also trying to be better, now it's 7pm, ooft, well... she's trying to be good
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:08:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24530551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Violent_Bulldog/pseuds/Violent_Bulldog
Summary: You're the only one who doesn't hate me, but you should hate me the most
Relationships: Brooke Lohst & Chloe Valentine, Brooke Lohst/Chloe Valentine, Jake Dillinger/Chloe Valentine (mentioned), Jake Dillinger/Rich Goranski, Jeremy Heere/Brooke Lohst (mentioned), Jeremy Heere/Michael Mell, Michael Mell & Chloe Valentine, christine canigula/jeremy heere (mentioned)
Series: Early Hours Angst [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1768336
Comments: 1
Kudos: 30





	I Hate Me...

**Author's Note:**

> Coco - Chloe  
> Cookie - Brooke  
> Red Gayer- Michael  
> Homeslice - Jake  
> That Theatre Kid - Christine  
> Gossip Girl - Jenna  
> Bi Bi Bi - Rich  
> Blue Gayer - Jeremy

**_ 0442 _ **

**_Coco >>> Cookie_ **

_Coco:_ i’m sorry

 _Coco:_ i’m so sorry brooke

 _Coco:_ i shouldn’t have treated you like i did for years

 _Coco:_ you deserve someone so much better than me

 _Coco:_ i’m sorry for making you change, for telling you who you could talk to and who you had to avoid 

_Coco:_ i’m sorry for lying and manipulating you for so many years

 _Coco:_ i’m sorry for trying to make out with jeremy at halloween

 _Coco:_ i knew what had happened with your past boyfriend and i still made him cheat on you

 _Coco:_ i don’t understand why you forgive me

 _Coco:_ if i were you, i would’ve probably said that i should kill myself...

 _Coco:_ maybe that’d be for the best?

 _Coco:_ i’ve hurt you so much

 _Coco:_ but you’re always back by my side a couple days later

 _Coco:_ i don’t deserve you

 _Coco:_ you’re the most important thing in my life

 _Coco:_ i love you so much brooke

 _Coco:_ i don’t know why you love me too

 _Coco:_ i’m a bad person

 _Coco:_ i do bad things all the time

 _Coco:_ jeremy hates me, jenna hates me, michael hates me, jake hates me, rich hates me, christine hates me

 _Coco:_ i hate me

 _Coco:_ you’re the only person who doesn’t

 _Coco:_ you’re the only person who doesn’t hate me and i don’t know why because you’re the person who should hate me the most

 _Coco:_ i’m sorry for hurting you

 _Coco:_ i’m sorry that i’m going to end up hurting you again and again

 _Coco:_ i’m sorry that i’m so stupid and useless and such a bitch

 _Coco:_ i can’t even blame it on the Squip like rich and jeremy can

 _Coco:_ i’ve always been a bitch

 _Coco:_ the only reason that i’m slightly less of a bitch now is because of the Squip

 _Coco:_ it looked like me

 _Coco:_ it was pretty much just what i already thought about myself, but i could hear someone else telling it to me

 _Coco:_ the voice was creepy

 _Coco:_ is it possible to be scared of your own voice?

 _Coco:_ cause i can’t listen to myself without hearing the Squip again

 _Coco:_ heh

 _Coco:_ maybe i didn’t even have one and it was just my thoughts

 _Coco:_ i’m sorry

 _Coco:_ i don’t know what this one-sided conversation is about

 _Coco:_ i took more of my depression pills than i was meant to earlier and i took more about an hour ago

 _Coco:_ my head hurts 

_Coco:_ it’s probably just the Squip

 _Coco:_ or just the voices

 _Coco:_ i’m sorry brooke

 _Coco:_ i love you

**_ 0601 _ **

**_Cookie >>> Coco_ **

_Cookie:_ Chloe Katlyn fucking Valentine

 _Cookie:_ i’m coming over to your house rn

 _Cookie:_ i love you so much

 _Cookie:_ you better be okay...

 _Cookie:_ i don’t know what i’d do without you

**_ 0704 _ **

**_Cookie >>> Red Gayer_ **

_Cookie:_ Michael

 _Red Gayer:_ brooke why’re you up so early?

 _Cookie:_ chloe’s in the hospital

 _Red Gayer:_ wait what??? why??

 _Cookie:_ i think

 _Cookie:_ no

 _Cookie:_ i know... she tried to kill herself

 _Cookie:_ she was texting me at 4am and saying how she was sorry about everything, about how she thinks that the rest of the group all hates her

 _Cookie:_ she kept saying that i deserve better than her and that she was a bad person 

_Cookie:_ she said that her Squip was herself and that she was scared of her own voice because of it

 _Cookie:_ but she kept saying that she wasn’t sure if it was even the Squip or if it was her own thoughts 

_Cookie:_ i don’t know how i didn’t see it earlier

 _Red Gayer:_ see what exactly?

 _Cookie:_ that she was suicidal

 _Cookie:_ i knew she was depressed

 _Cookie:_ i knew that she’d been on medication for it since we were 9

 _Cookie:_ but i never checked up on her properly after the whole Squip thing

 _Cookie:_ i didn’t speak to her for a whole month after it

 _Cookie:_ and i know that she was relapsing bad then because i found so many scars

 _Cookie:_ and she must’ve relapsed again recently because there were so many fresh ones too

 _Red Gayer:_ brooke, where r u rn?

 _Cookie:_ the main reception bit of the hospital 

_Cookie:_ the ambulance people had to rush her away

 _Cookie:_ why?

 _Red Gayer:_ i’m coming to meet you

 _Red Gayer:_ you said that she was talking about how we hate her?

 _Red Gayer:_ i need to prove her wrong

 _Red Gayer:_ she’s become a much better person than she used to be

 _Red Gayer:_ she was my first real friend beside jeremy when we all first sat together at lunch

 _Red Gayer:_ she was there for me when i needed to rant about jeremy 

_Red Gayer:_ she was there for me when i decided to confess to jeremy about how i felt

 _Red Gayer:_ hell, she was the person who convinced me to confess

 _Red Gayer:_ she’s been there for me

 _Red Gayer:_ i need to show that i’m there for her too

 _Red Gayer:_ i’ll be there soon

 _Cookie:_ michael?

 _Red Gayer:_ yeah?

 _Cookie:_ thank you 

**_ 0928 _ **

**_Homeslice >>> Coco_ **

_Homeslice:_ brooke told us what happened

 _Homeslice:_ i know you won’t see this for a while

 _Homeslice:_ i don’t hate you

 _Homeslice:_ i could never hate you

 _Homeslice:_ we weren’t good as a couple but i still loved you

 _Homeslice:_ i’ll always love you

 _Homeslice:_ i’ve always known that i could trust you

 _Homeslice:_ you were the only person i told when my parents left 

_Homeslice:_ you made sure that i had enough money, enough food and you made sure that i was never lonely in that stupid, big house

 _Homeslice:_ you're the first person that rich and i told about our relationship

 _Homeslice:_ you’re one of the most important people in my life chlo

 _Homeslice:_ i’m going to be by your side when you get out

 _Homeslice:_ i’m going to be a better friend and i’m going to make sure that you know that i don’t hate you

 _Homeslice:_ please stay strong and wake up soon

**_ 0958 _ **

**_That Theatre Kid >>> Coco_ **

_That Theatre Kid:_ i’ve never hated you

 _That Theatre Kid:_ i never held a grudge against you for your actions 

_That Theatre Kid:_ i knew deep down that you didn’t actually care about jake and i hanging out

 _That Theatre Kid:_ i understand how you felt

 _That Theatre Kid:_ when jeremy and i broke up, i felt so guilty because everyone except rich had gotten Squipped because of us

 _That Theatre Kid:_ and i just threw it all away

 _That Theatre Kid:_ but you all made sure that i knew that none of you held a grudge against me for it

 _That Theatre Kid:_ you all welcomed me into your friend group and made me feel welcomed

 _That Theatre Kid:_ you made me feel welcomed, chloe

 _That Theatre Kid:_ i promise to make sure that we show how much we care about you

 _That Theatre Kid:_ we all care about you so much

 _That Theatre Kid:_ i’m going to give you the tightest hug when i see you next 

**_ 1033 _ **

**_Gossip Girl >>> Coco_ **

_Gossip Girl:_ you’re an idiot

 _Gossip Girl:_ i don’t hate you

 _Gossip Girl:_ i was always jealous of you

 _Gossip Girl:_ i wanted to be in the spotlight, to have people around me all the time

 _Gossip Girl:_ i wanted to be liked, just like you are

 _Gossip Girl:_ you’ve made me that way

 _Gossip Girl:_ you included me in your conversations and made sure that i knew that i looked nice in whatever i was wearing that day

 _Gossip Girl:_ you make sure that people don’t just use me for gossip anymore

 _Gossip Girl:_ you made people see me for a person and not just a source of information

 _Gossip Girl:_ it was you who did that

 _Gossip Girl:_ not brooke or jake or rich or any of the others. you

 _Gossip Girl:_ i’ve never hated you

 _Gossip Girl:_ and i definitely don’t now

 _Gossip Girl:_ you’re one of my best friends chlo

 _Gossip Girl:_ the heather chandler to my heather duke only a much nicer version 

_Gossip Girl:_ please wake up soon

 _Gossip Girl:_ i need you to be there as we graduate because i have an entire little speech dedicated to you 

_Gossip Girl:_ please chlo

**_ 1109 _ **

**_Bi Bi Bi >>> Coco_ **

_Bi Bi Bi:_ i get it

 _Bi Bi Bi:_ the feeling of everyone hating you

 _Bi Bi Bi:_ the feeling of being weak and worthless and hopeless

 _Bi Bi Bi:_ i tried to kill myself too

 _Bi Bi Bi:_ the fire at halloween

 _Bi Bi Bi:_ i wanted to get rid of the Squip but i didn’t know how and there was no red mountain dew anywhere

 _Bi Bi Bi:_ i still blame myself for it

 _Bi Bi Bi:_ it was my fault that jake broke his legs, that michael nearly suffocated, that jenna can’t be near an open flame, that brooke can sometimes still feel the smoke around her, that christine had to see half of us being taken by ambulance 

_Bi Bi Bi:_ that you ended up getting pretty badly fucking burnt trying to save everyone even though none of them can remember it

 _Bi Bi Bi:_ well except christine, but i don’t know if she would remember about it unless we talked about it again

 _Bi Bi Bi:_ you all have every reason to hate me

 _Bi Bi Bi:_ you nearly died saving everyone including me

 _Bi Bi Bi:_ and i never thanked you for it

 _Bi Bi Bi:_ so thank you chloe

 _Bi Bi Bi:_ thank you for literally saving my life

 _Bi Bi Bi:_ jake could literally get me arrested if he wanted

 _Bi Bi Bi:_ but you all forgave me

 _Bi Bi Bi:_ i was a bad person and you all forgave me

 _Bi Bi Bi:_ and i’m learning how to forgive myself too

 _Bi Bi Bi:_ we forgive you for what you used to be like

 _Bi Bi Bi:_ now you just need to start forgiving yourself 

_Bi Bi Bi:_ it takes time, trust me i know

 _Bi Bi Bi:_ but we’re all gonna be there for you

 _Bi Bi Bi:_ i can get you a therapist if needed

 _Bi Bi Bi:_ mine is actually really nice

 _Bi Bi Bi:_ please chlo

 _Bi Bi Bi:_ we need you to be okay 

**_ 1251 _ **

**_Red Gayer >>> Coco_ **

_Red Gayer:_ hospital chairs are super uncomfortable

 _Red Gayer:_ but i’m not leaving until i see you

 _Red Gayer:_ alive and awake

 _Red Gayer:_ i hate that you thought this would make things better

 _Red Gayer:_ i hate that none of us saw how you felt

 _Red Gayer:_ i hate that you think we hate you

 _Red Gayer:_ cause you were the first person to befriend me 

_Red Gayer:_ jeremy was my only friend for twelve years

 _Red Gayer:_ you’re one of my best friends now, whether you like it or not

 _Red Gayer:_ i said to brooke how you were always there for me during the pinning phase

 _Red Gayer:_ i don’t think i’ve ever told you how much i appreciate you being there for me

 _Red Gayer:_ i don’t know what could’ve happened if i’d been left alone for it

 _Red Gayer:_ one day 

_Red Gayer:_ we’re gonna look back at our time pinning over our best friends together 

_Red Gayer:_ probably at our weddings

 _Red Gayer:_ i better be your best man

 _Red Gayer:_ you’ll definitely be my best... woman?

 _Red Gayer:_ you’ll be the most important guest, that’s what i mean

 _Red Gayer:_ you’ll probably laugh when you see this

 _Red Gayer:_ call me a dumbass and say how we’re not gonna get married for ages yet

 _Red Gayer:_ but you’re a friend for life chlo

 _Red Gayer:_ i know i can talk to you about anything without getting judged 

_Red Gayer:_ i’m sorry that you thought i hated you

 _Red Gayer:_ i love you so much chlo

 _Red Gayer:_ wake up soon please

 _Red Gayer:_ if not for brooke and the rest of the group, then for my poor ass

 _Red Gayer:_ please 

**_ 1605 _ **

**_Cookie >>> Coco_ **

_Cookie:_ the doctors still won't tell us anything

 _Cookie:_ i haven’t been able to eat all day

 _Cookie:_ i’m so scared chlo

 _Cookie:_ i don’t wanna think about what will happen if you don’t wake up

 _Cookie:_ but the doctors won’t tell us how you are and it’s making me think the worst

 _Cookie:_ i should’ve been there for you

 _Cookie:_ i pretty much abandoned you when i started going out with jeremy

 _Cookie:_ i didn’t think about you because i was being selfish 

_Cookie:_ i was always second best to you

 _Cookie:_ i just wanted someone to see me first

 _Cookie:_ but i realised during the play that i didn’t want just someone to see me

 _Cookie:_ i wanted you to see me

 _Cookie:_ and it’s blurry but i remember you saying that you just wanted to be liked

 _Cookie:_ you said that you saw me and the part of me that wasn’t controlled by the Squip wanted to burst into tears

 _Cookie:_ i realised that it wasn’t that i felt second best to you or that i wanted to be first

 _Cookie:_ it was that i wanted you to see me and to be... you around everyone else

 _Cookie:_ i wanted the real you to come back

 _Cookie:_ the chloe i knew since kindergarten

 _Cookie:_ the chloe that i knew before her dad died and she felt like she had to fight the world

 _Cookie:_ the chloe that kissed me in 2nd grade because we had just learnt about love and she said that she loved me

 _Cookie:_ the chloe that let her walls down and let people in

 _Cookie:_ the chloe that i fell in love with 

_Cookie:_ i never cared about being popular

 _Cookie:_ but you were just so pretty and you refused to stop being my friend and suddenly we’re the top kids in middle school

 _Cookie:_ i remember when madeline started yelling at me because i bumped into her and then you appeared at my side and punched her in the face

 _Cookie:_ you got suspended for a week but you said it was worth it

 _Cookie:_ you said that i was worth it

 _Cookie:_ i can’t imagine my life without you

 _Cookie:_ and i don’t want to

 _Cookie:_ if you don’t wake up, i’m not sure what i’ll do

 _Cookie:_ i’d probably end up joining you

 _Cookie:_ you said i was the only person who didn’t blame you, despite having the most reasons

 _Cookie:_ but i also have the most reasons to forgive you

 _Cookie:_ i love you chloe

 _Cookie:_ i love you so much and that’s what i’m going to say when you wake up

 _Cookie:_ chlo

 _Cookie:_ please wake up

 _Cookie:_ i need you

**_ 2147 _ **

**_Blue Gayer >>> Coco_ **

_Blue Gayer:_ hi

 _Blue Gayer:_ i did hate you

 _Blue Gayer:_ i hated you for halloween

 _Blue Gayer:_ i hated you because it made me hurt brooke

 _Blue Gayer:_ i hated you because it made me snap at michael 

_Blue Gayer:_ but i understood

 _Blue Gayer:_ you weren't aware of what you were doing because you drunk enough to numb your emotions and thoughts

 _Blue Gayer:_ and my Squip refused to let me deny or move and it made me technically give you a form of consent

 _Blue Gayer:_ neither of us could give actual consent that night

 _Blue Gayer:_ so i don't hold it against you

 _Blue Gayer:_ i asked if you were jealous of brooke

 _Blue Gayer:_ you said that you weren’t

 _Blue Gayer:_ and you weren’t

 _Blue Gayer:_ you were jealous of me because i was with brooke

 _Blue Gayer:_ you said you didn’t understand why everyone liked her more than they liked you

 _Blue Gayer:_ but i think i know why

 _Blue Gayer:_ you’ve never liked yourself 

_Blue Gayer:_ you changed who you were in elementary school to be someone that none of us recognised

 _Blue Gayer:_ and it was because of how you handled your grief

 _Blue Gayer:_ my mom died when i was 14

 _Blue Gayer:_ she wasn’t a nice person but she was still my mom

 _Blue Gayer:_ i didn’t try and change myself 

_Blue Gayer:_ i didn’t do anything actually 

_Blue Gayer:_ i spent the entire summer break curled up in my bed, crying

 _Blue Gayer:_ i stopped speaking to michael

 _Blue Gayer:_ i stopped playing games

 _Blue Gayer:_ i shut off

 _Blue Gayer:_ you did the opposite 

_Blue Gayer:_ you acted like your dad’s death didn’t phase you

 _Blue Gayer:_ you changed yourself to try and hide from the reality that he was gone

 _Blue Gayer:_ you stopped letting people get close to you

 _Blue Gayer:_ you didn’t do anything without brooke 

_Blue Gayer:_ you refused to be friends with anyone else but brooke didn’t

 _Blue Gayer:_ she gained friends as time went on but you didn’t want to

 _Blue Gayer:_ you were scared of getting hurt

 _Blue Gayer:_ people were scared of you

 _Blue Gayer:_ but they knew how kind brooke was

 _Blue Gayer:_ they liked her more than you because they didn’t know you

 _Blue Gayer:_ but we know you

 _Blue Gayer:_ you’ve opened up to us and we can see who you really are

 _Blue Gayer:_ you’re a kid

 _Blue Gayer:_ you’re the youngest out of all of us, even though you always point out that your birthday is just a couple weeks after rich's

 _Blue Gayer:_ but you had to grow up before most of us could even tie out shoes

 _Blue Gayer:_ you’re kind, you’re good with people, you’re actually super smart but you always play it off, you’re actually really good at acting but you didn’t try because you thought it was lame

 _Blue Gayer:_ you care about your friends so much. you care about all of us so much, even though you thought we all hated you

 _Blue Gayer:_ i used to hate you

 _Blue Gayer:_ i don't anymore

 _Blue Gayer:_ i can’t hate someone who welcomed me into their friend group, who helped me get my boyfriend and who has struggled their whole life just trying to fit in

 _Blue Gayer:_ you just wanted to be liked

 _Blue Gayer:_ well, now you have 7 people who love you more than you could ever know

 _Blue Gayer:_ please wake up soon chloe

 _Blue Gayer:_ you have such a strong future ahead of you

 _Blue Gayer:_ and we’ll all be with you, every step of the way

**_ 0613 _ **

**_Coco >>> Cookie, Homeslice, Red Gayer, Blue Gayer, That Theatre Kid, Bi Bi Bi and Gossip Girl_ **

_Coco:_ i love you guys 

_Coco:_ all of you

 _Coco:_ so fucking much

 _Coco:_ i’m sorry

 _Red Gayer:_ don't apologies 

_Homeslice:_ i’m just glad that you’re okay

 _Gossip Girl:_ if you need anything, we’re here

 _Bi Bi Bi:_ my offer still stands if you want it

 _That Theatre Kid:_ please, talk to us if you ever feel like that again

 _Blue Gayer:_ remember, we’ve got your back

 _Cookie:_ we’ll always love you too


End file.
